Grace in Monochrome

A strange, terrific force unlike anything I've ever experienced is sprouting in my heart, taking root there, growing. Yet as this undefinable thing grows and develops slowly, external forces are trying to hamper it. Fighting against these external forces is as difficult as can be, but I know that I am not alone in this fight. I found my ally in you. With both of us in this together, obstacles are nothing. Imperfections are nothing. I've realized that perfection can only be realized through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect. You are not perfect, and neither am I, but what we have between us is perfect. Two people who belong together make a world, and ours will surely be beyond utopia. We're fallen angels, each with one wing. We can only fly embracing each other. We can get through this, and fly together to that utopia lying ahead of us. Always remember that I believe in you, I believe in us, and I believe in whatever we will be. So dry your eyes, wear that killer smile of yours and bring out your battle gear. We have a battle to win.

A month has passed since a gleam in the dark came into my life. The Sam a month ago is no longer the Sam you know right now. Pre-June 26, 2009 Sam was angsty, pessimistic and whiny. Sam is now happiness personified. It's quite amazing how one single, unexpected blessing from above can change one's overall perspective in life. Like for instance, I wouldn't want to hang out in the bench in Rockwell alone, just to people-watch. But people-watching with you becomes really worthwhile. Laughing at Nike shorts guy and the guy in orange was priceless. Queuing for a cab while it's raining sounds miserable, but queuing for a cab with you by my side makes for the best feeling in the world. Even fleeing from tiende, getting stuck in a jeep because of heavy traffic and walking under the rain while clad in a jologs jacket doesn't seem so bad. Or even losing my watch in McDo Katipunan; or even listening to a guy talking about photography in Coffee Bean; or even having pimples predominantly on the right side of our faces; or even shooting in Tiende out of desperation/cramming; or even hearing some guy fart in public while we were walking. In fact, it's all good. Places like Saizen, the pseudo-couch in front of the warts removal place, Bestsellers bookstore, Powerbooks, Ace Hardware, Silver City, the plant/furniture corner in tiende (with Cueshe playing in the background) and yes, even... Starbucks, become really special. I find your "Ewan-ness" really funny and amusing. Just don't tease me about the Dragon feng shui thingy. Hahaha. I don't know how you do it, but there's really something about you that totally gets me (and it's not just because you're 10 levels hotter than Jake Cuenca and Rafa combined. They can never pull off the Machinist look with the same level of fierceness. Haha.)

2 words: EWAN MCGREGOR! I didn't know that Obi Wan was really from the dark side. But I still like you! Hahahahaha.

I am a very emotional person. I easily laugh and I easily cry over things that aren't really funny or sad for other people's standards. The last time I had a meltdown was when Rafa Nadal didn't join Wimbledon because of his knee injury. Sad. The happiest meltdown I've ever had was when I cried bucketfulls (tears of joy) after finding out that I made it to UP. However, it seems that it isn't the happiest after all, as my happiest meltdown happened after I got home from Karen's birthday yesterday. After that wonderful day, I laid my bag down, sat on my bed and burst into tears of joy, thinking, "This is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. "

Franz Kafka said that one can disintegrate the world by means of very strong light. Well, one can blissfully disintegrate me and envelop me with happiness just by that one person's mere presence. The 7 1/2 hours I spent with this person last Saturday was probably the best 7 1/2 hours of my entire life. Come to think of it, there isn't really anything extraordinary with meeting in Starbucks, walking around, sitting in benches, taking pictures or watching a movie. They are just ordinary things that ordinary people do. What makes the experience extraordinary is the fact that I did spend it with someone extraordinary. What makes this person extraordinary may seem ordinary, but it's the little things that count. I mean, in my 21 years of existence, nobody has ever asked me out- and I thought that nobody would ever dare. Why? I dunno, maybe because I'm too nerdy or too eccentric. I'm just not that cookie cutter girl everyone's looking for. So anyway, imagine my surprise when this person actually asked me out. And he wasn't just some random guitar boy like those ones I used to fancy. This one had substance. Wit. Humor. Artsyness. And he is so freaking, painstakingly SWEET. Who would not want to date someone like that? So maybe these aren't exactly litte things. But you know, the littlest things that he does put the biggest smile in my super chubby face. I like it when he holds my hand while we walk around places and have silly "so..like..um...what" moments, where words don't really matter because everything is said best by our actions. I like it when he smells my hair and wraps his arms around me. It's the most secure feeling in the world and it seems to have some sort of power to melt away my blues and keep me going forever. I like the fact that he gave me a meticulously done paper flower because I know that it will never wither and that it will last forever. I hope that like this paper flower, whatever we have right now will falter never. :)  

1st date at 21. OMFG. A freakin real date with someone decent. Guhhhhreat.

Rafa's withdrawal in Wimbledon is so depressing. Someone reminded me, and made me cry in the LRT. Emarrassing. Wimbledon ain't the same without him. It's killing me. I'm boycotting Wimbledon this year. But whatever happens, Vamos Rafa! VAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOSVAMOS!

The best things in life are free, and so are the worst things. 2 days ago, I hurriedly left this reunion/get-together thing I was having with my grade school friends just so I could fall in line in Shang Cineplex. Raya Martin's Independencia was going to be shown at 8 pm and some friends were texting me that as early as 4pm, people were already lining up for free tickets. I got there at around 4:30 and by that time, the line looked like a triple parabola and almost reached Mong Kok restaurant. Everyone was patiently lining up and awaiting the clock to strike 6 so that tickets could be released. Imagine everybody's reaction when this french film fest organizer dude and the film's producer announced that there were no tickets available since such were reserved for cast, prod staff and crew. I understand that such is really the practice in premiere nights. I also understand that Shangrila and the people behind French Film Fest and Independencia didn't anticipate the huge audience turnout. But hell, this was not just a miscommunication, but DIRE IRRESPONSIBILITY on their part. THEY SHOULD HAVE INFORMED THE PEOPLE EARLIER THAT THERE WERE ONLY 20 TICKETS AVAILABLE. ANNOUNCING THAT THE FILM SCREENING IS BOTH INVITATIONAL AND OPEN TO THE PUBLIC IS MISLEADING. And, since the Shangrila people already knew that the Independencia cast, staff and crew already reserved 3/4 of the seats, why didn't they do anything when they saw that the line was getting longer and longer? Where have they misplaced their common sense? Or do they have any at all? They should have just cut the line and told everyone that that was as far as the line could go because of EXTREMELY limited tickets. That way,verbal tussles and booing could've been avoided. In a way, I couldn't blame those who lost their cool. What happened was really annoying. I almost lost my cool too. I wanted to behead that French Film Fest organizer who blurted out something like, "Hindi namin kayo pinapila ng apat na oras. Nakalagay po na 6 pm ang release ng tickets. Hindi kami ang nagpapila sa inyo ng 4:00." So? The issue is, PEOPLE LINED UP, EXPECTING TO GET TICKETS AND WATCH THE FILM. HOW LONG THEY LINED UP OR WHO MADE THEM LINE UP THAT EARLY IS IRRELEVANT. Good thing the producer gave up the tickets that supposedly were for the cast, staff and crew in order to accommodate everyone who lined up. Another screening was also held after the 8pm screening to accommodate more people. From the very start, there should have been 2 screening schedules. I suggest that they just SELL TICKETS NEXT TIME. I mean, they made all the film enthusiasts and patrons appear to be lining up for NFA rice. Come on! Respect your audience, man. I'd rather pay P 150 (or even more) for a ticket than line up 2 hours before the screening and FIGHT FOR MY LIFE JUST TO GET A FREE TICKET.  The lack of organization and coordination among Shang, French Film Fest and Independencia people is disappointing and annoying. My gawd, I lined up for 2 hours and got stressed just to watch a 77-minute film. I really don't know if it was worth all the fuss. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of things I liked about Independencia. Technically speaking, the lighting was good. The use of b&w plus painted backgrounds and studio set-up really worked. The film looked like a moving painting. The fact that it was aesthetically pleasing made it engaging. The set, the thick make-up and exaggerated acting was very theater-like, something that usually wouldn't work when translated into film, but is obviously not the case here. Though the film practically took place in a small nipa hut and in the forest, it didn't seem as claustrophobic as Kenneth Branagh's version of Sleuth. I really liked  how sounds of flowing water, birds chirping and basically everything that screams wilderness, was incorporated into it. What I didn't like about the film is its misleading nature. What's with the title, Independencia and why show it on Independence day when the film does not really revolve around Philippine Independence? I mean, yes, the setting was during the start of the American Occupation and the mom (Tetchie Agbayani) believed in fighting for independence but instead chose not to get involved in the war,leave civilization behind and flee to an isolated forest together with her son. Is going back to basics tantamount to independence? The premise is kind of like that in Oro, Plata, Mata, American Occupation version. In my opinion, the independence being dealt with in the film doesn't really focus on Philippine Independence but independence on a personal level. It is only in the wilderness that Sid Lucero's character and his mom can be free from the chaotic bayan where colonizers and Filipinos are clashing, and in the process find themselves and live and die  for themselves. They'd rather live a Yeti-like existence and do whatever they want in the wilderness than be civilized while allowing themselves to be  bossed around by the Americans who happen to have a penchant for killing. In a sense, the wilderness is this kind of dream place providing one an avenue masturbate in the open, get lost and found, save a damsel in distress, find a future wife among the plants and be surrounded by animals just like Snow White. Okay, I'm being bitchy. Haha. But seriously speaking, it could be that the director wanted to strike some ironies or be metaphorical. These characters think that they have escaped the harsh realities of the real, outside world by creating their own world. (Hippie, much?) But in doing so, they do not achieve freedom or independence because they are trapping themselves within  the  borders of  this wilderness; which is actually just a far end but still a fragment of the real world. Yes, they manage to get away from the chaos, the complexities brought about by war, but their lives become devoid of meaning because everyday becomes a struggle to survive: Existentialism. Is existentialism and indifference better than being colonized? Is dying because of the rain or jumping off the cliff better than being killed by the enemy's bullet? Yes? Maybe that's the whole point. Haha I'll try to make more sense out of it next time, when I'm no longer sabaw.

P.S. Seeing my least-liked person before and after the screening just goes to show what kind  of day I had. What a way to end my day.

I once said that Achilles is real and his name is Rafa. We all thought that Rafa was invincible, but apparently, he is not. Rafa, like Achilles, possesses a tiny speck of vulnerability. I never thought that I'd ever type this, but RAFAEL NADAL, 4-TIME FRENCH OPEN CHAMPION, LOST IN THE 4TH ROUND OF THE 2009 FRENCH OPEN FOR THE 1ST TIME IN HIS LIFE. Losing a set was bad enough. He won during his first attempt. And now he's been defeated by an unpopular player. Yes, miracles do happen, but not all miracles are good. Some say that Rafa's knees betrayed him- they were not in good condition. Maybe he was overconfident. Maybe he didn't practice that well. Maybe he was too tired. Maybe because he traded his signature sleeveless shirts for a loud, pink shirt, or cut his hair 3 inches shorter. Maybe Rafa is more like Samson than Achilles. (You are my sweetest downfall! Eep.) But whatever the reason was, Rafa's loss in the French Open doesn't make him less of a tennis player. After all, he is the world number one. But hell, it's killing me. It's kind of too much. I'm dying for Rafa. His loss tears me apart. This feels worse than a break-up. What a way to celebrate my birthday. And his! Anyway, I know that he will learn from this and vindicate himself in Wimbledon.

He will hold this trophy in his hands and bite into it next year. Just wait and see. Vamos Rafa!

OMFG! Rafael Nadal, World number 1, just answered my question in his blog!

You can check it out here:

http://timesonline.typepad.com/rafael_nadal/2009/05/questions-for-rafa-does-roger-federer-have-a-chance-at-roland-garros.html#more

But if you're too lazy to to that, here is what I asked him and what he answered:

Do you think Roger Federer has a chance to win the French Open this year, since he just won recently at Madrid? Does this pressure you in any way?
Samantha Portillo

RN: Sure he does. I don't think Madrid has anything to do with it since the conditions are completely different due to the altitude and the way the courts were done. But sure he has chances to win.

I'm so happy that Rafa answered my question! Go Rafa. Win the French Open! Win all the Grand Slams this year! VAMOS!!!!!

I thought I would get bored but no, I'm enjoying every bit of my new-fangled freedom to couch potato around. I just love indulging in endless DVD marathons, getting 12 hours of sleep daily and overdosing on Jake Cuenca and Coco Martin in Tayong Dalawa. Haha jologs. And what do I miss in Pearl Drive? The BELIGIAN CHOCOLATE MILK TEA in 7-11! Yuuum. 7-11 is waaay better than mini stop cause mini stop doesn't have authentic soy milk based products from Taiwan. Haha. Geez I wanna go to 168 and buy all the cute things there.I so need new clothes for school, which starts in 3 weeks. Eep, my birthday's in 3 weeks too, and my birthday's right before the 1st day of classes. Just my luck. Oh, and I have to think of a concept for my thesis. Think Ashes of Time + Fando y Lis + Tideland. Shit, less than a year to go before I could wear the sablay and get hold of my beloved diploma.I hope someone produces my script (someone sensible, and not you-know-who) before I graduate. Oh, and I hope Wham and I could win Palanca awards this year. Haha. As Diana Ross sings, "If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die. Dreams see us through to forever!" Ok, I think I'm starting to get chummy and cheesy cause I'm bored. Bow.

I have 5 hours left to spend in Regal.I'm kinda happy that zombie days during shoots are over, but there is this part of me that totally, polarly opposes that. The yin to my yang screams, "I don't want to leave. I wanna stay!"  Over the 95 hours I've spent in Regal, it's as if I've developed some kind of attachment to working there. Marketing days may have been boring. The spat with Manny Valera wasn't a very nice experience. But as I stayed longer in the company, I came to love it more. I want to extend my stay. I want to learn more. Gah. I wish it's possible.

I just got bitched and bitched back some supervising producer! It's so embarrassing, I cried on the set! Hmph, I'll get back at him (who wants to be a "her") someday.

So I just presented before Cinema One panelists days ago and now the results are out. Well, I didn't make it to the finals but I'm still thankful because getting to experience the whole thing was great. But before I express all my insights, lemme congratulate the winners:


BALA-BALA BY MELVIN BRITO

CYCLONE LOOP BY RICHARD LEGASPI

MAXIMUS & MINIMUS BY NAP JAMIR

SI BANING, SI MAYMAY AT ANG ASONG SI BOBO BY MILO TOLENTINO

WANTED: BORDER BY RAY GIBRALTAR

Congratulations! I hope I could be like you guys someday. Anyway, just being a semi-finalist was a worthwhile expreience. First off, I didn't even expect it since the requirements I submitted were incomplete and the 2x2 ID pic I gave was taken 3 years ago. Haha. The script I passed was my Film 121 finals and it was even unedited. Finding out that my script made it to the semi-finals was overwhelming. It was a really pleasant surprise. I almost chickened out when I read in the email that I'd have to pitch my ideas before a panel and convince them to produce my film. Good thing I had friends like everyone from UP CINEMA who were super willing to help me. We even did a "preprod" in Serendra for this. CINEMA IS INDEED NUMBER ONE. And Mao, thanks for helping me come up with people to list in the production staff. It was just so funny that I told the panel that Maxie Evangelista was a "SHE". Maam Libay, thanks too for giving me advice regarding my presentation. Your tips helped me a lot. Chad, Carla and Jaypee, thanks for the support! Thanks for being there during the actual presentation day. I love you guys. To my Mom, thanks for accompanying me when I submitted the requirements. Thanks for the support you gave during the presentation day. Mr. Montano, thank you for believing in me and my vision. I hope we can really work on this project. Haha it sounds as though I won some award but in fact, I feel as though I did. I never really imagined that a lot of people were willing to back me up. Haha cheesy. The bottom line is, it feels great. I don't consider this as a failure for me because I've actually achieved something. I think I was the youngest and most unknown out of the 27 semi-finalists, but at least I was a semi-finalist! I can't believe my script was chosen in the top 27- out of the 103 other scripts. This is good enough for me. I'm happy. Anyway, I have a whole lifetime to make everything work, to PITCH, GRIND, SHOOT...KILLER FILMS. Haha yeah! Cause I'm a cinemaster! As Franz Kafka said, "BY BELIEVEING PASSIONATELY IN SOMETHING THAT STILL DOES NOT EXIST, WE CREATE IT. THE NON-EXISTENT IS WHATEVER WE HAVE NOT SUFFICIENTLY DEISRED." :)) 

Woohoo Cinema One is asking me to make a powerpoint presentation for my script! That was my Film 121 script, FTW! Omg omg I'm dying. I'm happy and all but it's 3 days from now and it's killing me. Eep. Ack. I'm palpitating. I hope they'd like it. Move over, P*** . Joke lang.

Yaay! Last Saturday (March 7), Whammy, Steff, Bia and I won Best Music Video for DARK, DEAD, DISCO in the AVO (Ateneo Video Open)! Super fun. Congrats to Whammy too for winning Best Experimental for The Leviathan. I heard it was nearly a clean sweep for UP people, so congrats to all the winners! Haha I had to leave early because I went to the Eheads Final Set concert. My dad's friend gave us free Gold A tickets so there's no way I was gonna miss it! I arrived a bit late. They had already finished performing Magasin when I got there, but I was able to hear the song while I was running towards the gate entrance. I had a hard time finding my dad who was supposed to escort me in. I found him anyway and got myself in. I hung out with my dad and tito during the whole concert cause Owie and his friends are in front and I couldn't find them. There were too many people. It's so funny cause my dad and tito just gatecrashed in the Gold A section. They didn't have tickets at all! Haha they cheated the concert people of P 6000! They're really professional gatecrashers.I remember before, my dad also gatecrashed in the UP fair and my tito was able to get past T-Mac's bodyguards and get face to face with T-Mac during T-Mac's press conference here in the Philippines. Effin' cool guys. Haha. The concert rocked! Marcus' version of Huwag Mo Nang Itanong was reggae-ish and really amusing. The performances of Spoliarium, Sembreak and Superproxy were grrreat! Alapaap's musical arrangement was kinda on the trance side. It was really fresh and unique. I loved it! I didn't like the way they performed Pare Ko. It lacked energy and the folk/acoustic vibe didn't work. But shit, Ang Huling El Bimbo was the best performance I've ever witnessed in my life! I'm glad I was able to see the Eheads' last performance of that song! Ely even did this stunt- he burned the Eheads' Sticker Happy piano-a symbol of closure, the true end of Eheads. The whole thing was touching, with matching fireworks and confetti! I almost cried! I think my dad cried too. Haha. Best concert ever. After the concert, my tito left and my dad and I met up with my mom who was in Starbucks the whole time. Then we met up with Owie after his friends left. We all went home with smiles on our faces. (Cheesy much?)

Now for the BOO part. Do you ever get that feeling of wanting to be alone? That's exactly how I feel today. You see, today was a bad day for me. I arrived late in class because of shitty traffic in Pasig, and because of that I missed a quiz. Then we were dismissed early. I decided to eat late lunch in my fave restaurant in SC (bec. not many people hang out there), but when I got there, it was very crowded. Some classmates of mine whom I wasn't close to were also there. Awkward. So I just ordered a Yakisoba to go. When I was about to leave, I saw the guy I used to have a crush on eating with the classmates I wasn't close to. Double awkwardness. I just waved at them and left. I looked for a place where I could be alone. I went to one of the smoking areas in Cine Adarna and ate my Yakisoba there. I texted my mom and told her that I'm just gonna take a cab to Galle and wait there,since Mang Bert left UP to fetch Owie. My mom told me to just wait in school. I was about to reply when my cellphone went dead. Battery empty. I assumed that I should just stay in school. I finished my food and before leaving, I found out that the bench was teeming with ants and my green Chinese shoes were filled with ants. Eep ant bites on my feet! I was getting impatient cause I've been waiting for more than an hour, so I went to Palma Hall to call my mom home in the phone booth there. The line is eternally busy, so I just called my cousin's house and asked her to text my mom that I was in Palma Hall. I waited for ages and called my mom again. Turns out that we had a miscommunication and she thought I was in Galle. I told her that I was just gonna take a cab home cause I've been waiting too long and I was super tired and stuff. Then she freaked the hell out of me by screaming at me and telling me that I screwed the schedule up so I should just shut up and wait. WAIT? WAIT? I've been waiting forever. She didn't even give me a chance to explain my side. I've been waiting for eternity yet the blame is still on me. Why? It doesn't make any sense. I got so pissed that I hung up on her. It took 2 hours before I got fetched. I super hate this day. I really don't get it why Owie NEVER has to wait and that it's MY FAULT whenever I make Owie wait because he has homework and stuff, and I'm "wasting his time". FYI, the longest I made him wait was 30 minutes. But when I'm the one who has to wait (which ranges from 1-2 hours) IT'S STILL MY FAULT because Owie's activities are important and my whining spreads negative energy across the universe. And besides, I "don't have anything to do." Says who? Shit. And the other thing I don't get is why Mang Bert has to go back to LSGH and waste gas after dropping me off in UP when Owie and I have the same dismissal (4:00 pm). If Mang Bert sticks around, he's be able to save time and gas and I wouldn't have to wait. There's obviously some favoritism going on because Owie never gets to wait while I have to wait all the time. It would be more acceptable and fair if Owie and I alternate in waiting every other day. Sheesh. Whatever. I just needed to blow off some steam. My head and eyes hurt. Blah.

I have a new crassssss! Yaay.

Existentialism is my cup of tea.

The new McDonald's commercial featuring "Ang Huling El Bimbo"in the background is dead cheesy. So cheesy that...I actually like it! Haha. The commercial reminded me of my best friend during nursery in Neo Vision Pre-School. He was this clumsy Japanese kid who went to school  with his left shoe on his right foot and vice versa. Really funny guy. His name is KOSUKE MAMURA. . I think we were seatmates/sandbox-mates/recess-mates, etc...you get the point. We were only four years old then. But crap,I don't even have a picture of him,or us together. We used to have several pictures but they got lost; I don't know how. I still vividly remember how he looks like, though. Anyway, after nursery, his family migrated to Japan and we lost contact. I can still remember the last conversation we had.

KOSUKE: Sa Japan na ako titira.
SAM: Babalik ka pa?
KOSUKE: Hindi ko alam eh, pero pag balik ko, bibigyan kita ng Ninja Turtles na camera!
SAM: Wow! Ninja Turtles camera!

That was during graduation from nursery, I think. From what I remember, after that conversation, we ate green peas and went to the playground. That was the last time I saw him. I don't know if he still remembers me, but I sure hope he does. I tried searching for him in friendster and multiply, but no luck. I even googled and yahooed him. Nothing. He's totally untraceable. Who knows, maybe one day, he'll google his name, get redirected to this link and be able to read this entry. Just maybe. And if that happens, I only have one thing to say: KOSUKE MAMURA, WHEREVER YOU ARE AND WHOEVER YOU MAY HAVE BECOME NOW, YOU STILL OWE ME A NINJA TURTLES CAMERA!